Intentional Words. . .

Each week I have the opportunity to teach a Bible Study to some pretty amazing women.  This semester, we decided to study Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages.  Gary Chapman is pretty much my hero when it comes to understanding relationships!  If you are not familiar with the Five Love Languages, they are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Quality Time 
• Physical Touch 

Every person feels uniquely loved in one of these ways. According to the concept, the way you feel loved is also the way you show love.  The concept is pretty much GENIUS!  This week we focused on one concept, Words of Affirmation. 

Now let me back up.  In order to know your love language, you take a short (honest) quiz, add up the numbers and calculate your results.  So, my husband and I took the test. . . .mine was quality time and acts of service and his was quality time and words of affirmation (although I am pretty sure touch was pretty high up there).   Words of affirmation was pretty much non-existent on my quiz.  So here I had my quiz in hand, the one that said I don’t give one iota about Words of affirmation and now I have to prepare a lesson about it. Go figure. 

Let’s just say I learned a thing or two this week.  Words of affirmation, even though they are not my primary love language, are a pretty big deal and the Bible has a whole lot to say about it!! 

• Proverbs 18:19-21 says “An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city.  Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars. Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction.  The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
• Proverbs 12:18 says “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
• Proverbs 12:25 says “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”
• Ephesians 4:29 says  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
• James 3:9-10 says  “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.”

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Words build us up.  Words encourage us.  Words are verbal expressions of love.  Yep, words are a pretty big deal!

If Words of Affirmation is not your primary Love Language, it is easy to dismiss this one and believe that your loved ones already knows how you feel about them without having to say it all the time. WRONG!!  

Within every language, there are many dialects. This is includes love languages.  Here are just a few:

Words that Build Up: Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.  They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation such as. . .

• “I really appreciate you.”
• “You’re an amazing dad.”
• “You’re a great lover.”
• “Thanks for taking care of our family.”
• “It’s a lot of fun being married to you.”
• “You never cease to amaze me.”
• “I am proud of you.”

Encouraging Words:  The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” 

All of us have areas in which we feel insecure.  We lack courage and that often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things we would like to do.  Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from their perspective. We must first learn what is important to them.  What do they enjoy?  What do they fear?  What are their dreams?

Scripture reminds us that encouragement is important. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “Encourage one another and build each other up.”

Hebrews 10:24-25 says “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.”

Hebrews 3:13 says “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today.”

Kind Words:  1 Corinthians 13:4 says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” What are the first two adjectives used to describe love?

LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND! . . .Wowzers, if we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words! That includes the way we speak.  The same sentence can have two different meanings depending on how you say it.  Others often interpret our message based on our tone vs. our words.  The manner in which we speak is very important.  Proverbs 15:1 says “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” 

Humble Words:  Love makes request, not demands.  It is important in relationships to know what the other person wants. What’s more important is the way we express our desires.  If they come across as demands, we erase the possibility of intimacy.  When you request instead of demand, you are affirming their worth and abilities.  The other person may choose to respond to your request or deny it, because love is a choice.  A request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates the possibility. 

Indirect Words:  How you speak about a loved one not in their presence can have a great impact for blessing or curse.  We all know not to talk bad about someone behind their back. . .but it is okay to talk good!  As a matter of fact, indirect words are a great encouragement to “words” people.  Tell you husband’s mom how good he is at helping out with the kids.  Tell your girlfriends how good his famous bbq is.  Also affirm your spouse or kids in front of others when they are present.  If you are given a public honor for an accomplishment or an award, be sure to share the credit with your spouse/kids/parents/etc. 

“Words spoken at the right time are like gold apples in a silver setting.” ~Proverbs 25:11

Written Words:  I don’t think anyone can deny there is something special about handwritten notes, cards, and letters.  Especially in our culture where so much of our communication takes place online or in a text.  Taking a moment to affirm someone in a card, letter or note is a great way to encourage someone.   And. . .written words have the benefit of being read over and over again. 

If your loved one’s primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation, here are some things you can do to show love:

·                     Make sure to say “I love you” and “Please” and “Thank You” every single day.

·                     Be specific when you compliment them.

·                     Say nice things about them to other people.

·                     Don’t forget to write something special in the card that goes with the gift.

·                     Think of sticky notes as a pack of hundreds of inexpensive love notes and use them often.

·                     Express appreciation for the things they do and the strengths you see in them.

King Solomon said, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).  Every day, we are shaping reality for someone by the words that we use with them. . . The choice is ours!

Determine Your Own Love Language Here 

We can be friends!

Not sure if you've heard, but Kelly Ripa doesn't care if her daughter doesn't like her. Several times in the past couple of weeks I have seen social media headlines about this particular news story. I love Kelly Ripa, I often listen to her bubbly talk show while I am cleaning or checking my email, but for some reason this article has bothered me. Now wait, hear me out. I know, I know . . . it's our job to protect our kids, we are their authority, they are to honor and obey us. I get it. But, being that I have four daughters, I know a thing or two about mother/daughter relationships. And guess what, you can be their friend and you should care if they like you. As a matter of fact, it is okay to want to be their best friend. 

I actually googled "how to be a good friend" and came across this article: http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Friend. 

What does it take to be a good friend? 

Being Trustworthy

Be dependable

Apologize when you've made a mistake

Be Honest

Be Loyal

Be Respectful

Be Selfless

Be a Good Listener

Give Thoughtful Advice

Give Space When Need

Be There for Them 

Be Forgiving

The Bible tells us in Exodus 20:12 to “Honor your father and your mother.” 

The Hebrew translation for the word “honor” means “to give weight to.” 

If you want your kids to give weight to your opinions and actions (hold your opinions 

and actions at such a high regard they let your response factor into their decisions), 

then you need to exhibit the characteristics of a TRUE friend. There will be times as a parent you will need to discipline, to use your authority and to allow your child to face consequences of their actions, but all of this can be done while still maintaining a 

friendship with your child. When you establish and maintain a friendship with your child

 they will come to you for advice, they will listen to your voice of reason, they will obey 

your rules and the will understand that you have their best interest at heart. You will be

 the one they come to about relationships, about temptations and about desires of

 their heart. You will be the one they can't wait to come home to and share the news 

of their day. So moms and dads, it’s okay. . .really, enjoy your kids, laugh with them, 

have a pillow fight, have heart to heart talks, chat in the car and thank the 

Lord for every moment your child allows you to be their friend!

Springtime in Texas. . .

Nothing says spring in like pretty sundresses and Texas bluebonnets! Today I decided to get the girls dressed and head to a park with a hill of bluebonnets. We had fun taking pictures and running around in the fields! There is just something about those blue blooms that make you want to slip you shoes off and just dance. As you will see, my girls felt the same way!

Elizabeth Claire

Madeline Grace

Courtney Danielle

Sisterly Love

Emily Kaylynn

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. . .
I hope you dance!
~Connie

A New Journey Begins. . .

If you are reading this, it is because you are an important part of our lives. You are loved and cared for by us and we know that you too, love and care for us. That being said, I would for you to know about a decision we have made concerning our family. (Please be patient, I know this is long.)

August 2009. . . we sent our four girls off to school just as we have done every year for many years. I (Connie) sat in the quiet of my house that first day and relished in the quiet calm of the house, what a blessing to busy moms. That afternoon I picked up my girls and the busyness of the school year kicked in. Between our four girls, there were 3 schools, 8 pre AP classes and 17 teachers. That was just the school day. The afternoons were filled with homework, dance lessons, etc. Whew. . .this was going to be a busy year for sure! I put on my big girl pants, rolled up my sleeves and began the school year journey, just as every other parent out there did, right? A week into the school year, Emily, our now high school daughter, sat in her room, tears flowing as she tried to complete the many hours of homework that were assigned to her. I would often sit for hours with just her alone, going over vocabulary, explaining math (that I was reteaching myself) and helping with projects. That was just Emily, but remember, I have three other daughters, so any free time I had in the evening was filled with reading logs, conduct charts, AR books, homework, etc. One night Madeline sat at the counter working on a simple algebra worksheet while I cooked dinner. She did not understand what a variable was, so I took a break and explained to her what it was. She looked up at me and said, "Wow Mom, that was easy, I wish my teacher had explained it to me like that." It was at that moment that I thought, wow, I just taught her something! And so began our newest journey.

That night in bed, I mentioned to Brian what had happened at the counter that night, along with the other "teaching moments" I had had with the girls. I just mentioned in passing to him that maybe I should homeschool Emily next semester and if it works out, I could homeschool all four the following year. His reaction. . .I was CRAZY and I might actually strangle my daughters if I had to spend 24/7 with them while having the responsibility of teaching them on my shoulders. But, I did as I do with everything else in my life, I began MANY hours of research. The next day I went to the library and checked out 6 books on homeschooling and poured myself into them. I read front cover to back cover of each and every book. I read about statistics, the pros, the cons, methods, about schedules and curriculum and anything else I could find. I read blogs and websites, ordered catalogs, contacted homeschooling co-ops. . .but I wasn't convinced either way, I was confused! What was I thinking??? I had finally made it to the point where all four of my girls were gone 7 hours a day, their days planned by someone else, the work done for me. . .I really was crazy! But I could not let it go. Then it hit me. Research, no matter how educated I became on the subject, was not going to settle my heart. I needed to hand it over to the Lord.

September 2009 . . .We decided that it was best if we handed it over to the Lord and not mention it to anyone. We wanted this to be a decision that we made without worldly influence. I spent the next month committed to prayer. I would pray in the morning, I would pray in the carpool line and at night with Brian. The last few years I have really learned the power of prayer. I have seen God work in miraculous ways, like the healing of my mother-in-law and the adoption of my nephews, and I have seen him quietly and gently say NO. I had finally learned to listen, as most of you know a hard job for my talkative self! I knew that this was a time that I had to listen. I had to put away the books, the statistics and the opinions and I had to listen to the Lord. After all, it is He that loaned me these precious girls. "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it," (Psalm 24:1) We are merely temporary possessors (or stewards) of all the things that He owns, including my girls. My heart started to cave, and I began to know the answer, even though it scared the bageebees out of me! By October, not only was I considering homeschooling Emily, I was considering homeschooling all four. I knew the answer, now I just need to decide if I was going to obey. . .another hard job for my controlling self! 

December 2009 . . .the semester was coming to an end, what was I to do? The girls came home for Christmas break and it was then that I knew for sure. I was bringing my girls home. Oh, I have my moments of, "Am I making the right decision?", "Am I going to mess my girls up?" I'm scared. I am scared that I won't be good enough or I will hate it or the kids will be miserable. I worry about all sorts of things that come along with having four kids all at home ALL DAY. In those moments of fear, I quietly think, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!" and I remind myself. . ."I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

January 2010 . . .Over the last month or so, as we have began to tell people that we plan to homeschool, we have been met with responses ranging from, "Whatever for??" to "That's great!" Most of the time, however, we just get a simple, "Why?" People are cautiously curious and just as we are concerned about the well being of our girls, so are others that are a part of their lives. I have made a list of why we were homeschooling. I hope this helps you to understand why we have made this decision and I wanted to remember, especially in those moments of apprehension, why we decided to do things this way. 

Why we decided to homeschool:

Let me say first that we have had a great experience and we have no ill thoughts towards the school or the teachers -- after all, we have entrusted many years of our girl's education to them.

Secondly, we know that homeschooling is not for everyone. Please do not feel that we are being judgmental of those that choose other educational options for their children. 

That being said, here are our reasons:

1. With four children ages seven to fourteen I realize how fast the time is going. They are growing up, exploring their world, and learning new things every day. I want to be a part of that.

2. I don't think that my girls need seven hours a day of schooling along with additional hours of homework every evening.

3. My girls teachers are spending almost twice as many waking hours with them as I am. With a 7 hour school day and a mom that insists on early bedtimes (for adequate sleep), I am getting to spend about 3-4 waking hours with my girls. And those hours are filled with getting ready for school, eating breakfast, cooking supper, and getting ready for bed. Quality time is almost non-existent.

4. I want to know what my children are learning and be involved in the process. A classroom teacher (to no fault of their own) does not have the time to vividly describe and explain what is being taught. They have a scheduled amount of time and a classroom full of kids.

5. I want my kids to have the majority of their information coming from home -- not from peers. I remember school. I remember what I learned from my friends. I remember all the ways my thinking was skewed. I want my kids to have their world view filters built at home, not from their peers.

6. I want to help maintain sibling relationships. I want them love each other, to love being together. I want them to help one another, teach one another, and look out for one another.

7. These four girls are my calling. As a mom, I have been given a task from God to raise them in the way that they should go. It is my conviction that for me, that task involves teaching and educating them in all things -- reading, writing, cooking, home management, Bible, prayer, gift-giving, hygiene, and more. If they aren't here, I can't do that.

8. And last but not least. . . Because in my heart, I know it is right for our family at this time. Any fighting it on my part would be disobedience.


Now that we have explained our decision to homeschool, we ask that you respect our decision. We know that you will have questions and concerns, and that is fine. But please know that this was a decision that was prayerfully made. We might mess up, we might fail in some areas, our girls might not grow up to be rocket scientist. . .but really how many kids do? It is just as important, no, more important to us, that our girls grow up to be well rounded, kind, generous, loving, Godly women. And so now our journey begins, actually it will begin on January 18th. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and we hope that you will pray for and encourage us along the way. We love each and every one of you.

Brian and Connie Tanner