This week in our study of The Five Love Languages we discussed Quality Time.
“The
greatest gift you can give someone is your time because when you are giving someone your time, you are giving
them a portion of your life that you will never get back.”
– Anonymous
– Anonymous
Do you remember back in the day when Friday nights
meant a trip to the movies or when Saturday mornings consisted of long
leisurely walks? Do you remember how a delay in traffic just meant more time to
chat and how you never tired of long phone conversations that would last late
into the night? Do you remember when he
didn’t mind the mall and you didn’t mind the football game as long as you were
together? Do you remember how quality
time feels?
What
is Quality Time?
Real quality time is when we give someone our
undivided attention. Nothing says, “I
love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for a ‘quality time’
person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife
down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel
truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to
listen can be especially hurtful.
“We
really should spend more time together.
Is there a ‘quality time’ app…?”
Togetherness
Quality time is togetherness. . .not just being in the
same room together, but actually doing something together while giving our full
attention to the other person. Sitting
on the couch together while scrolling through Facebook on your smartphone is NOT
quality time. Spending quality time
together communicates that we care about the other person and we enjoy being
together. Togetherness is focused
attention and it is critical for the ‘quality time’ person!
Quality
Conversation
We discussed earlier in our study how every language
has different dialects. One of the most
common dialects of quality time is quality conversation. This is where you set aside time to share
your thoughts, feelings and desires. It is about listening and empathizing. It
is about the desire to understand what the other person is going through and
showing support for him/her. It is about being a friend. We live in a world full of distractions . . .
packed calendars, dependent children, needy bosses, church obligations, social
media (the list could go on and on and on)! It is sometimes harder than it
sounds to stop and have quality conversations.
It will take some discipline and practice, but for the ‘quality time’
person, it is crucial to his/her emotional sense of being loved.
Quality conversation focuses on what we are
hearing. It is important to listen
sympathetically to what the other person is saying. It is saying, “When I ask you a question, I
have a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, your feelings and your
desires.”
Quality conversation is not trying to fix the problem.
We sometimes forget that relationships are not projects to complete or problems
to solve. A relationship calls for
sympathetic listening and desire to understand the other person’s thoughts,
feeling sand desires. It does not call
for a plan of action to fix it. Please
note, this may not come easily for everyone, especially men, because they are
generally not good with expressing their feelings.
Here
are some practical listening tips:
- Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
- Don’t do something else at the same time.
- Listen for feelings and confirm them. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”
- Observe body language.
- Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”
- Quality conversation also calls for self-revelation. In order for your partner to feel loved, you must reveal some of yourself, too.
- Make quality time a priority.
- Make an effort to have quality conversations often.
- Listen with the desire to understand, not fix.
- Plan time to enjoy quality activities together.
“Advice
comes from the deep waters of the heart; those with understanding can draw it
out.” –Proverbs 20:5
Quality
Activities
Another dialect of quality time is quality
activities. Quality activities is doing
anything in which one or both of you have an interest. This can be anything. . . it can be cooking a
meal together, going fishing, going on a walk together, or even washing the car
together. Spending quality time doing
activities together expresses to the other person that you care about them,
that you are willing to do something you might not even enjoy just so you can
be together. This is love and for some
‘quality time’ people, it is love’s loudest voice.
“The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why
you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away
from it feeling “He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that
I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.”” – Gary Chapman-
Quality activities are important because these create
memories, memories that are for you to keep and draw on in years to come. These
are memories that will make you smile, that will make you laugh and remind you
just how much you love each other. These are memories of love, especially for a
person whose primary love language is quality time.
Where do you find time for these activities? We make time.
Quality time is just as essential for relationships as meals are to our
health. Does it take careful planning?
YES. Does it mean we have to give up
some individual activities? MAYBE. Does
it mean we do things we might not particularly like? PERHAPS. Is it worth it? WITHOUT A DOUBT!
It’s not about “having” time.
It’s a about making time.
If your loved one’s primary love language is Quality
Time, here are some things you can do to show love:
Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages said,
“When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention
and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life.
We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each
other.”
Will
you give your loved one twenty minutes of your life today?
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