I don't have time for that. . .

     I don’t have time to exercise.  I don’t have time to watch T.V.  I don’t have time to get on social media. I don’t have time for lunch with an old friend.  I don’t have time to read.  We live in an era of “I don’t have time for that. . .”  It is as if busyness is a badge of honor.  But guess what, that phrase is a lie.  Our days are still 24 hours, our weeks are still 7 days and our years are still 52 weeks.  We all have the same amount of time. . .how we choose to spend that time is the only thing that is different. 

     So let’s break down our time, shall we.  We all have 168 hours a week.  Because we are all so busy, let’s say we work a 50 hour week.  We are also so busy we don’t get much sleep, so we will say we sleep 6 hours a night, that’s 42 hours.  That leaves us 76 hours to fill. . .SEVENTY SIX HOURS.  So what do we do with that time? 

     I love to read.  You will often find me with a bag full of several books that I am reading at once.  I read when I am in the bath, I read when I am stopped at a red light, and I read in waiting rooms. . . I read, I read, and I read.  But, nothing irks me more than when someone says to me “I don’t have time to read.”  I don’t have time to read, I make time to read . . . because I love to read.  I don’t watch much TV, because I don’t love to watch TV.  I don’t exercise much, because I don’t love to exercise.  Reading is a priority for me, so it becomes part of my seventy six hours.  

     “I don’t have time” is a phrase we often use when we feel jealous or guilty for not being able to fit something into our over-booked schedules.  So how to we change that?  Easy enough.  Instead of saying “I don’t have time” try saying “It’s not a priority.”   By changing this simple phrase, we remind ourselves that our time is a choice.  We might not choose to read, or to watch T.V., or to get on social media, or to do crafts, or to volunteer, or to have lunch with an old friend, or to keep a clean house, or to cook dinner every night, or to exercise.  It’s not because we don’t have time to do these things, they are just not a priority. There is a big difference between having time and prioritizing the seventy six hours we all have.

     So next time you have the urge to say “I don’t have time for that” to the perfectly manicured room mom sharing with you about the new tennis club she just joined . . . Remember, she has the same number of hours you do, she just chooses to spend them differently.  

Intentional Time. . .

This week in our study of The Five Love Languages we discussed Quality Time.  

“The greatest gift you can give someone is your time because when you are giving someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back.”
– Anonymous

Do you remember back in the day when Friday nights meant a trip to the movies or when Saturday mornings consisted of long leisurely walks? Do you remember how a delay in traffic just meant more time to chat and how you never tired of long phone conversations that would last late into the night?  Do you remember when he didn’t mind the mall and you didn’t mind the football game as long as you were together?  Do you remember how quality time feels?

What is Quality Time?

Real quality time is when we give someone our undivided attention.  Nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for a ‘quality time’ person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

“We really should spend more time together.  Is there a ‘quality time’ app…?”

Togetherness

Quality time is togetherness. . .not just being in the same room together, but actually doing something together while giving our full attention to the other person.  Sitting on the couch together while scrolling through Facebook on your smartphone is NOT quality time.   Spending quality time together communicates that we care about the other person and we enjoy being together.  Togetherness is focused attention and it is critical for the ‘quality time’ person!

Quality Conversation

We discussed earlier in our study how every language has different dialects.  One of the most common dialects of quality time is quality conversation.  This is where you set aside time to share your thoughts, feelings and desires. It is about listening and empathizing. It is about the desire to understand what the other person is going through and showing support for him/her. It is about being a friend.  We live in a world full of distractions . . . packed calendars, dependent children, needy bosses, church obligations, social media (the list could go on and on and on)! It is sometimes harder than it sounds to stop and have quality conversations.  It will take some discipline and practice, but for the ‘quality time’ person, it is crucial to his/her emotional sense of being loved.

Quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.  It is important to listen sympathetically to what the other person is saying.  It is saying, “When I ask you a question, I have a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, your feelings and your desires.” 

Quality conversation is not trying to fix the problem. We sometimes forget that relationships are not projects to complete or problems to solve.  A relationship calls for sympathetic listening and desire to understand the other person’s thoughts, feeling sand desires.  It does not call for a plan of action to fix it.  Please note, this may not come easily for everyone, especially men, because they are generally not good with expressing their feelings. 

Here are some practical listening tips:

•      Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
•      Don’t do something else at the same time.
•      Listen for feelings and confirm them. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”
•      Observe body language.
•      Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”
•      Quality conversation also calls for self-revelation. In order for your partner to feel loved, you must reveal some of yourself, too.
•      Make quality time a priority.
•      Make an effort to have quality conversations often. 
•      Listen with the desire to understand, not fix. 
•      Plan time to enjoy quality activities together. 

“Advice comes from the deep waters of the heart; those with understanding can draw it out.” –Proverbs 20:5

Quality Activities

Another dialect of quality time is quality activities.  Quality activities is doing anything in which one or both of you have an interest.  This can be anything. . . it can be cooking a meal together, going fishing, going on a walk together, or even washing the car together.  Spending quality time doing activities together expresses to the other person that you care about them, that you are willing to do something you might not even enjoy just so you can be together.  This is love and for some ‘quality time’ people, it is love’s loudest voice. 

“The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling “He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.”” – Gary Chapman-

Quality activities are important because these create memories, memories that are for you to keep and draw on in years to come. These are memories that will make you smile, that will make you laugh and remind you just how much you love each other. These are memories of love, especially for a person whose primary love language is quality time. 

Where do you find time for these activities?  We make time.  Quality time is just as essential for relationships as meals are to our health.  Does it take careful planning? YES.  Does it mean we have to give up some individual activities? MAYBE.  Does it mean we do things we might not particularly like? PERHAPS.  Is it worth it?  WITHOUT A DOUBT! 

It’s not about “having” time. 

It’s a about making time.

If your loved one’s primary love language is Quality Time, here are some things you can do to show love:

Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages said, “When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other.”

Will you give your loved one twenty minutes of your life today?