I don't have time for that. . .

     I don’t have time to exercise.  I don’t have time to watch T.V.  I don’t have time to get on social media. I don’t have time for lunch with an old friend.  I don’t have time to read.  We live in an era of “I don’t have time for that. . .”  It is as if busyness is a badge of honor.  But guess what, that phrase is a lie.  Our days are still 24 hours, our weeks are still 7 days and our years are still 52 weeks.  We all have the same amount of time. . .how we choose to spend that time is the only thing that is different. 

     So let’s break down our time, shall we.  We all have 168 hours a week.  Because we are all so busy, let’s say we work a 50 hour week.  We are also so busy we don’t get much sleep, so we will say we sleep 6 hours a night, that’s 42 hours.  That leaves us 76 hours to fill. . .SEVENTY SIX HOURS.  So what do we do with that time? 

     I love to read.  You will often find me with a bag full of several books that I am reading at once.  I read when I am in the bath, I read when I am stopped at a red light, and I read in waiting rooms. . . I read, I read, and I read.  But, nothing irks me more than when someone says to me “I don’t have time to read.”  I don’t have time to read, I make time to read . . . because I love to read.  I don’t watch much TV, because I don’t love to watch TV.  I don’t exercise much, because I don’t love to exercise.  Reading is a priority for me, so it becomes part of my seventy six hours.  

     “I don’t have time” is a phrase we often use when we feel jealous or guilty for not being able to fit something into our over-booked schedules.  So how to we change that?  Easy enough.  Instead of saying “I don’t have time” try saying “It’s not a priority.”   By changing this simple phrase, we remind ourselves that our time is a choice.  We might not choose to read, or to watch T.V., or to get on social media, or to do crafts, or to volunteer, or to have lunch with an old friend, or to keep a clean house, or to cook dinner every night, or to exercise.  It’s not because we don’t have time to do these things, they are just not a priority. There is a big difference between having time and prioritizing the seventy six hours we all have.

     So next time you have the urge to say “I don’t have time for that” to the perfectly manicured room mom sharing with you about the new tennis club she just joined . . . Remember, she has the same number of hours you do, she just chooses to spend them differently.  

Intentional Time. . .

This week in our study of The Five Love Languages we discussed Quality Time.  

“The greatest gift you can give someone is your time because when you are giving someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back.”
– Anonymous

Do you remember back in the day when Friday nights meant a trip to the movies or when Saturday mornings consisted of long leisurely walks? Do you remember how a delay in traffic just meant more time to chat and how you never tired of long phone conversations that would last late into the night?  Do you remember when he didn’t mind the mall and you didn’t mind the football game as long as you were together?  Do you remember how quality time feels?

What is Quality Time?

Real quality time is when we give someone our undivided attention.  Nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for a ‘quality time’ person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

“We really should spend more time together.  Is there a ‘quality time’ app…?”

Togetherness

Quality time is togetherness. . .not just being in the same room together, but actually doing something together while giving our full attention to the other person.  Sitting on the couch together while scrolling through Facebook on your smartphone is NOT quality time.   Spending quality time together communicates that we care about the other person and we enjoy being together.  Togetherness is focused attention and it is critical for the ‘quality time’ person!

Quality Conversation

We discussed earlier in our study how every language has different dialects.  One of the most common dialects of quality time is quality conversation.  This is where you set aside time to share your thoughts, feelings and desires. It is about listening and empathizing. It is about the desire to understand what the other person is going through and showing support for him/her. It is about being a friend.  We live in a world full of distractions . . . packed calendars, dependent children, needy bosses, church obligations, social media (the list could go on and on and on)! It is sometimes harder than it sounds to stop and have quality conversations.  It will take some discipline and practice, but for the ‘quality time’ person, it is crucial to his/her emotional sense of being loved.

Quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.  It is important to listen sympathetically to what the other person is saying.  It is saying, “When I ask you a question, I have a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, your feelings and your desires.” 

Quality conversation is not trying to fix the problem. We sometimes forget that relationships are not projects to complete or problems to solve.  A relationship calls for sympathetic listening and desire to understand the other person’s thoughts, feeling sand desires.  It does not call for a plan of action to fix it.  Please note, this may not come easily for everyone, especially men, because they are generally not good with expressing their feelings. 

Here are some practical listening tips:

•      Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
•      Don’t do something else at the same time.
•      Listen for feelings and confirm them. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”
•      Observe body language.
•      Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”
•      Quality conversation also calls for self-revelation. In order for your partner to feel loved, you must reveal some of yourself, too.
•      Make quality time a priority.
•      Make an effort to have quality conversations often. 
•      Listen with the desire to understand, not fix. 
•      Plan time to enjoy quality activities together. 

“Advice comes from the deep waters of the heart; those with understanding can draw it out.” –Proverbs 20:5

Quality Activities

Another dialect of quality time is quality activities.  Quality activities is doing anything in which one or both of you have an interest.  This can be anything. . . it can be cooking a meal together, going fishing, going on a walk together, or even washing the car together.  Spending quality time doing activities together expresses to the other person that you care about them, that you are willing to do something you might not even enjoy just so you can be together.  This is love and for some ‘quality time’ people, it is love’s loudest voice. 

“The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling “He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.”” – Gary Chapman-

Quality activities are important because these create memories, memories that are for you to keep and draw on in years to come. These are memories that will make you smile, that will make you laugh and remind you just how much you love each other. These are memories of love, especially for a person whose primary love language is quality time. 

Where do you find time for these activities?  We make time.  Quality time is just as essential for relationships as meals are to our health.  Does it take careful planning? YES.  Does it mean we have to give up some individual activities? MAYBE.  Does it mean we do things we might not particularly like? PERHAPS.  Is it worth it?  WITHOUT A DOUBT! 

It’s not about “having” time. 

It’s a about making time.

If your loved one’s primary love language is Quality Time, here are some things you can do to show love:

Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages said, “When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other.”

Will you give your loved one twenty minutes of your life today?

Intentional Words. . .

Each week I have the opportunity to teach a Bible Study to some pretty amazing women.  This semester, we decided to study Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages.  Gary Chapman is pretty much my hero when it comes to understanding relationships!  If you are not familiar with the Five Love Languages, they are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Quality Time 
• Physical Touch 

Every person feels uniquely loved in one of these ways. According to the concept, the way you feel loved is also the way you show love.  The concept is pretty much GENIUS!  This week we focused on one concept, Words of Affirmation. 

Now let me back up.  In order to know your love language, you take a short (honest) quiz, add up the numbers and calculate your results.  So, my husband and I took the test. . . .mine was quality time and acts of service and his was quality time and words of affirmation (although I am pretty sure touch was pretty high up there).   Words of affirmation was pretty much non-existent on my quiz.  So here I had my quiz in hand, the one that said I don’t give one iota about Words of affirmation and now I have to prepare a lesson about it. Go figure. 

Let’s just say I learned a thing or two this week.  Words of affirmation, even though they are not my primary love language, are a pretty big deal and the Bible has a whole lot to say about it!! 

• Proverbs 18:19-21 says “An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city.  Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars. Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction.  The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
• Proverbs 12:18 says “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
• Proverbs 12:25 says “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”
• Ephesians 4:29 says  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
• James 3:9-10 says  “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.”

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Words build us up.  Words encourage us.  Words are verbal expressions of love.  Yep, words are a pretty big deal!

If Words of Affirmation is not your primary Love Language, it is easy to dismiss this one and believe that your loved ones already knows how you feel about them without having to say it all the time. WRONG!!  

Within every language, there are many dialects. This is includes love languages.  Here are just a few:

Words that Build Up: Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.  They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation such as. . .

• “I really appreciate you.”
• “You’re an amazing dad.”
• “You’re a great lover.”
• “Thanks for taking care of our family.”
• “It’s a lot of fun being married to you.”
• “You never cease to amaze me.”
• “I am proud of you.”

Encouraging Words:  The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” 

All of us have areas in which we feel insecure.  We lack courage and that often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things we would like to do.  Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from their perspective. We must first learn what is important to them.  What do they enjoy?  What do they fear?  What are their dreams?

Scripture reminds us that encouragement is important. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “Encourage one another and build each other up.”

Hebrews 10:24-25 says “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.”

Hebrews 3:13 says “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today.”

Kind Words:  1 Corinthians 13:4 says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” What are the first two adjectives used to describe love?

LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND! . . .Wowzers, if we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words! That includes the way we speak.  The same sentence can have two different meanings depending on how you say it.  Others often interpret our message based on our tone vs. our words.  The manner in which we speak is very important.  Proverbs 15:1 says “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” 

Humble Words:  Love makes request, not demands.  It is important in relationships to know what the other person wants. What’s more important is the way we express our desires.  If they come across as demands, we erase the possibility of intimacy.  When you request instead of demand, you are affirming their worth and abilities.  The other person may choose to respond to your request or deny it, because love is a choice.  A request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates the possibility. 

Indirect Words:  How you speak about a loved one not in their presence can have a great impact for blessing or curse.  We all know not to talk bad about someone behind their back. . .but it is okay to talk good!  As a matter of fact, indirect words are a great encouragement to “words” people.  Tell you husband’s mom how good he is at helping out with the kids.  Tell your girlfriends how good his famous bbq is.  Also affirm your spouse or kids in front of others when they are present.  If you are given a public honor for an accomplishment or an award, be sure to share the credit with your spouse/kids/parents/etc. 

“Words spoken at the right time are like gold apples in a silver setting.” ~Proverbs 25:11

Written Words:  I don’t think anyone can deny there is something special about handwritten notes, cards, and letters.  Especially in our culture where so much of our communication takes place online or in a text.  Taking a moment to affirm someone in a card, letter or note is a great way to encourage someone.   And. . .written words have the benefit of being read over and over again. 

If your loved one’s primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation, here are some things you can do to show love:

·                     Make sure to say “I love you” and “Please” and “Thank You” every single day.

·                     Be specific when you compliment them.

·                     Say nice things about them to other people.

·                     Don’t forget to write something special in the card that goes with the gift.

·                     Think of sticky notes as a pack of hundreds of inexpensive love notes and use them often.

·                     Express appreciation for the things they do and the strengths you see in them.

King Solomon said, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).  Every day, we are shaping reality for someone by the words that we use with them. . . The choice is ours!

Determine Your Own Love Language Here 

The Journey to Intentional

jour·ney
noun\ˈjər-nē\: an act of traveling from one place to another

in·ten·tion·al
adjective \in-ˈtench-nəl\: done in a way that is planned or intended

Life is a journey and we journey into many new adventures along the way.  Each of these adventures build our portfolio of life. One day someone will stand at a pulpit and share with a group of mourners the consequences of our journey.  On May 24, 2014 my family and I listened as the journey of our beloved "Pappy" was shared with a room full of those she touched.  The difference between her journey and mine (and most everyone) was that her journey was intentional.  

She lived with intention and she loved with intention!

She was intentional in telling those around her she loved them.  She was intentional with her time.  She was intentional with her finances.  She was intentionally in The Word and most importantly, she intentionally told everyone she knows about Jesus.

About a week after Pappy passed away, I made the decision to live intentionally. I want to be intentional in EVERY decision I make. 

I want to live intentionally and I want to love intentionally!

I want to intentionally tell those around me that I love them.  I want to be intentional with my time.  I want to be intentional with my finances. I want to intentionally be in The Word and most importantly, I want to intentionally tell everyone I know about Jesus.   

I haven't been real good at the whole blog thing.  I love the idea of a blog, I love to read blogs and I think blogs are a great way to chronicle the journey of life. . .but, I am not so great at it. I have decided my first step to living intentionally is to begin to record it in a blog. This is my journey to living intentionally.  I hope you join me on the journey!  

This blog is in honor of Patricia "Pappy" Joan Welch Hedges 1929-2014